


Guilt

by Squidilton



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:20:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27819652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squidilton/pseuds/Squidilton
Summary: Akaashi is stuck in an abusive relationship however, has no power in him to leave it despite knowing what his partner is doing is wrong. Bokuto has been in love with Akaashi ever since he first met him and wants to do whatever he can to save his Akaashi.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	Guilt

Crawling up the stairs, I crave for some solitude. A place for me to stay safe, a place where I know nothing is my fault. I must sound like a coward, all I want is somewhere to hide, but if I hide that doesn't mean I cannot be found.

I stop my crawl up the stairs and look back to see the little droplets of blood from my leg, they're dripping down the stairs carefully. I also see him staring at me. Him, who is him you may wonder? That would be Ryo Sato. He's none other than my darling boyfriend, in the beginning we made a connection with one another.

As love would go with one another, you believe that it is meant to be. 

Everyday we spent together seemed so short and I wanted to be with him whenever I could, and he always felt the same. However, it seems the bright and happy days have gone. 

He had been going out drinking more often after work, he began to slowly dictate my life. Everything that went wrong for him, I learnt, was because of me. I was no better. I drink weekly just so I can ease the pain and stress off my daily life. If I can smile for one evening, I'll take it. Although, I soon stopped drinking whiskey on Friday evenings and just worked myself till I passed out.

Everyday I would see a new bruise on my body, I never let it get to me because I know I deserve it. If I am making his life hard, than it is my fault I am getting these bruises.

Now he is looking at me, his eyes soften and he helps me up taking me to the bedroom. He says to me in his calming voice" I'm sorry, Keiji, but you know I only do this, because I love you."

I put my hand on his right cheek and say" I know, I hardly feel the pain anymore."

I smile at him and allow him to absorb that beautiful lie, he smiles back at me and tends to the wound on my leg. If I was still playing Volleyball like before, I'm sure it would have been seen, like the other injuries. 

Soon, I am laying in bed with him by my side. I know not to cuddle up to him, because he doesn't like affection and I've learnt in the past why not to cuddle him. If you cuddle him the shouts and pain only get worse, the farther away you are from him, the safer you are. However, the more you love him, the closer you want to be. That is why you have to learn what to do, if you want to stay with him.

In the morning, I am awake with the sun barely rising in the sky. I check the time to see it is five in the morning and I leave the bed to make breakfast for him. I don't allow him to know I hardly eat, because that would mean I am causing pain for him. He always talks about how he wants to be with someone who is always slim and hardworking, which is why it is easier for me to take this route. Saying that, it doesn't mean I do not eat, because I do, I just don't eat what a normal person would call an average amount. I don't eat breakfast, I have one onigiri for lunch and cook whatever for dinner and then repeat.

The routine hasn't changed for the past three years and I don't believe it will change any sooner, that is, if he allows me to stay.

Once breakfast has been made, I go upstairs with the food in hand and serve it to him in bed. He always says the best sort of breakfast to have is in bed, which I wish I could agree with. His eyes flutter open, but instead of the tired-looking, calm eyes. These eyes are just seeing red. His hand swats the plate out of my hand and lands on the floor with the porcelain breaking into multiple pieces. I go to clean the plates knowing how late I'm going to be for work now. 

It doesn't take me long to clean the floor, but that doesn't mean he is empty of his rage. He screams" Can't I just sleep in for one day, Keiji?! I know that you think the world always evolves around you, but I just want one day to get some proper rest! Do you understand?!"

" Yes, Ryo."

" Good."

The conversations are always quick, if they go on for too long you know you are just going to get another bruise to add to the collection, or worse.

Once everything is cleaned and I'm dressed, I grab my bag and head to work, knowing that I should have put a plaster on my finger from the plate before leaving for work. However, I would rather turn up with a small cut than, having my boss scream in my face about how late I am.

Once arriving at work, I see my fellow colleagues who give me the usual hello and I sit at my desk to begin work. As a normal day, no one made questions because it's easy to put a smile on and pretend everything is going your way. If anyone knew the guilt I carried, I'm sure everyone would see me as a different person. I'm certain I wouldn't even get a hello or a goodbye, if everyone knew how much I ruin Ryo's way of life.

A couple of hours go by and it's my lunch hour. So, I go to sushi restaurant however, I am pleasantly surprised when I see,

" Bokuto-san?"

His grin is still as wide as ever, just as I remembered from our High School days.

Bokuto-san and I were good friends, probably even close to best friends. He was someone I cared about so dearly, and he felt the same towards me. We always had each others backs, if he felt down I would raise him up, and he would be there for me when I had fallen. However, we grew apart after he went to University and found himself in a relationship.

He shouts abruptly" AKAASHI!!!"

It makes heads turn in the restaurant and he says" What're you doing here?"

" Out for lunch, I thought I would treat myself for once."

" What do you normally do for lunch?"

" I would bring a onigiri, but I forgot mine when leaving the apartment today."

He nods and then replies" Sit with me and Hinata."

I nod and take my place next to him with Hinata opposite him. I order a couple of sushi rolls while the other two order a buffet for the each of them. Soon the question went around when Bokuto-san asked" Akaashi, what are you doing now?"

" I'm a Manga Editor as of now, I couldn't exactly get in the Literature department, so this was close to what I wanted."

" Sounds boring, no offence."

" Is that only because what I'm doing is not volleyball?"

" Maybe."

After meeting up with the two of them, I notice the time and see if I don't leave in the next ten seconds I won't get back to work on time. I wave goodbye to them and give Bokuto-san some money to pay for the sushi I ordered. He didn't have time to accept or decline my money as I quickly rushed back.

Soon, it became late and I was standing at the subway station waiting for the train. I had a book in hand that told the story of a young fighter trying to show their family that they can be better than what they predicted. It was nothing interesting, but it was enough to pass by the time. It was nice to read books, because they can be an escape. It can give me some freedom, that I don't get in a daily basis.

Once I arrive home, I see an empty bottle of liquor on the coffee table and I sigh in response knowing Ryo will be drunk. I walk up stairs to put my bag away and coat however, I am stopped when a hand is gripping my wrist. I look to see Ryo staring at me tiredly however, his grip tells a different story. I know from the past experiences, a drunk Ryo doesn't end well. I ask" Ryo, are you alright?"

" Where were you, Keiji?"

" I was at work."

" Why?"

" So I can earn money for you?"

I was a bit lost with his questions, but I didn't have much time to think on it before my head hits the first step of the stairs. I attempt to get back up with the slight dizziness, only for my head to be slammed down again. He screams" STAY DOWN!!!"

I don't retaliate knowing the situation is only going to get worse if I move or not. He says" You should have been home taking care of me, but you're always so selfish thinking that your work is more important than me. Do you ever think of me?"

" Of cour--"

I am kicked in the side and feel a metallic taste entering my mouth, begging for an escape that I will not allow. He shouts" Did I say you can answer?!"

I make no movement, I should have known better.

He pulls me to the side and walks up the stairs while saying" Stay downstairs and don't bother coming to bed tonight. And don't bother cooking dinner, I had to cook myself because of you."

Guilt swarmed me as I knew I should have been home to help him, if only I could leave earlier and the train could come a lot quicker. I feel the darkness enter my vision and I welcome it with the embrace of slumber.

Waking up, I noticed my surrounding were still dark. The curtains were drawn and the downstairs was a mess, with bottles and rubbish everywhere, littering the floor. All I could hear was the ringing in my ears, most likely for the amount of times my head was hit against the edge of step of the stairs. Despite the dizzy feeling, I stood up and began to clear the floor. It didn't take long for the floor to return to its, once beautiful exterior. I made some breakfast for Ryo which I left downstairs with some Advil to help with his hangover and then left the house for work.

I know I should have looked at a mirror to see my face, but it never dawned on my that people around me would see my face, and just express horror once seeing the deep wound. To make things worse, as I got off the train I saw Bokuto-san pass by me. I didn't make any obvious eye contact, to avoid any confrontation however, once Bokuto-san saw me, he looked at me with worry. I felt a slight grip on my wrist as he took me to the side with the train leaving quickly and people flooding the station. He asked me" What happened, Akaashi?! Your forehead is all red with dry blood!!"

I looked down to avoid eye contact and put a slight smile on to say" Bokuto-san, it's nothing to worry about. I simply fell down the stairs last night and completely forgot to clean it."

Part of that anecdote was true, but it's better to receive a punishment silently than scream about it. I never want Ryo to be the villain in this story of mine, so I will make sure he is the protagonist. 

I soon escaped Bokuto's grip and left for work. As I walked away, I could see the doubt and concern on his face, and it scared me that he may of knew of everything that was going on.

I ended up being late to work which was a pain, but once my boss saw my head, he let it go and said to clean up. I just got some anti-septic wipes and got rid of the dry blood and bacteria. I could see there was still a little bit of blood shinning with the lights in the bathroom, but there was no need for a plaster or bandage. I put the wipe in the bin and continued with my day. 

Despite having an onigiri in front of me, my appetite was gone. I had nothing in me that wanted to digest the food I love so much, and part of me was saddened by it, so I just forced it down knowing I would collapse if not. Although, I should have listened to that feeling in my stomach of wanting to avoid food regardless of not eating last night. 

I was in the middle of looking over Udai's work when I had the urge to vomit. Once I had reached the bathroom, there was much to vomit, just the onigiri and acid. My throat was burning begging for the sensation to stop, I kept gagging over the toilet questioning why my stomach had suddenly turned against me. The dizziness for this morning was beginning to return and all I wanted to do was sleep there and then.

The room was spinning too much and the floor looked so nice and cool. 

It didn't take me long till the darkness for this morning found its way back to me, so I could fall once more.

As my eyes fluttered open, I was met with some dark eyes of some sort. I hear people around, I couldn't make out the voices, it was so coherent. I still had the dizzy feeling and I couldn't remember much. 

The voices had slowly become more clear, most were full of concern and worry while others were just confused. I whispered" What is going on?"

The man who was keeping an eye on me said" You fainted in the bathroom, we had to break the stall door just to get you out. We've put you on the sofa until you woke up."

" Oh...We'll, I better get back to work then."

He pushed me down and said" Akaashi-san, you just fainted and you plan to go back to work!?"

" I'll be fine, I just fainted. That won't stop me from doing my job."

After much persuading, I was finally free from my co-workers grasp and could get on with the rest of my day. I didn't want to think too much on what happened earlier, it would be easier for me to distract myself than go home. Then again, when I'm at work, I don't get any punishments. Does that sound wrong? Should I get a slap while here if I mess up? 

Of course I should, it would be what Ryo would do and he's always helping me out.

The day came to an end and I was standing at the station waiting for my train to come by again. However, it seemed these encounters with Bokuto-san would be happening more often as he came walking my way. He had a big grin on his face, which soon turned into a frown once he saw me. He asked" Hey, Akaashi, are you alright? You look a little pale."

" I'm fine, it's probably from when I fainted earl--"

" You fainted earlier?!"

" It's fine, Bokuto-san. I'm ok now."

He nodded and it turned to silence, he then asked" Hey, Akaashi, can we exchange numbers?"

" Sure."

I quickly put my number into his phone and waved goodbye as I got on my train. I had hope within me that Bokuto-san and I would get closer like we once did. I miss the days when we were in High School and could never escape one another.

In my second year, I developed a crush for Bokuto-san however, chose not to act on it as I never believed he felt the same way. It didn't take long for me to meet Ryo and things changed. I was put on a schedule for once in my life, there was no more having fun and enjoying myself. It was just, make Ryo happy and that is how it's been for a while. I can't even remember the last time, I even did something just for me. I guess the restaurant would count.

The train came to my stop and I made it home, to see Ryo passed out on the sofa. I walked into the kitchen to make dinner and it didn't take long for those two arms to wrap around my middle. He rests his head on my shoulder and says" Welcome home, Keiji."

I hum in happiness and this is one of the rare occasions of us acting as an idea couple. It's nice, I enjoy this comfort. All I wish, is for this to happen more often instead of the shouting and pain. Then again, I do hurt Ryo often so I guess I deserve it.

We sat at the dinning table eating our food in silence, but for once, it was a peaceful silence where we were enjoying each other's company.

Ryo soon went upstairs to sleep early, while I found myself with my laptop out working once more. Ryo came downstairs an hour later and said" Keiji, come to bed, it's late."

" I just need to finish this assignment, then I will join you."

" Keiji, when I say come to bed, I wasn't saying it like it was a request."

" Just give me five minutes."

" Keiji!"

I flinched from the sudden shouting and typed slower, so it would be more quiet. I heard the steps coming towards me grow louder and louder till I felt a grip on my scalp. Ryo took a hand full of my hair and threw me to ground and shut my laptop off, not saving any of my work and then dragged me up the stairs by my hair.

I screamed for him to let go, but he never did. Instead, he stripped me of my clothes and left me in my boxers as I slept in the September cold with only half the duvet on me and a head ache.

Ryo wasn't there when I woke up, there was no heating and I was barely clothed when I opened my eyes. My skin felt like ice and the floor was even colder, there was nothing that could make me think I would be ok. I though this was my truth, I will be stuck here in this igloo I will call home. I always imagined an igloo would be a fun little shelter to stay in, but this is nothing like that. This igloo makes me want to cry silently and wish the world would be kinder however, I've learnt wishes never come true and you have to just rely on survival.

Once I made it to work, there were some comments on my pale skin and how my cheeks were red, my hair was also a lot more messier which some found strange of me. I waved away the comments and reminded myself to skip lunch so I could catch up with the unsaved work, I would have to redo from last night.

As the day goes by, I see a text from Bokuto-san;

Bokuto: Hi Akaashi!!! Are you doing   
anything today??

Me: No, why?

Bokuto: Want to meet at that   
Cafe close to your work so we  
can catch up more?

Me: Sure.

Soon, I organised lunch with Bokuto-san and escaped the grasps of work by six o'clock. When I saw him outside the Ramen restaurant, he had his usual big grin on his face which deflated to concern when he noticed my appearance. I asked" Bokuto-san, why are you looking at me as if I have just been ran over?"

" You might as well say that."

" Bokuto--"

" Akaashi, you look pale and scruffy, are you alright?"

" I'm fine, I just slept in a bit and hardly had any time to get ready."

I couldn't excuse the paleness but there had to be no questions asked, as long as no one knew everything would be fine. At least that is what Ryo would remind me, he would always tell me what to do so I could be successful and make him happy.

It didn't take us long to find a place to sit and drink a coffee together but, Bokuto ordered milkshake because he hates coffee. Bokuto-san was talking to me about his volleyball career and how he was going to be moving to Osaka soon. Part of me was sad that he would be moving away soon, and moments like these would become rare. He then asked" Akaashi, what have you been up to since we last saw each other?"

" Well, I'm now a Manga editor as it was the only role that the company could offer me as I would rather have had been in literature department. However, things have been fine for me. I have also got a boyfriend who is nice."

" Nice?"

" He's there for me like my partner should be."

It was hard to say something positive about Ryo, we hardly spent time with one another and when we did it would always end in a fight. I would be in pain while he would either leave the house for the night or go to bed leaving me downstairs on the sofa. It was rare that we would share the same bed and be happy with one another, but I guess that is what makes us different from normal couples. To steer away from the topic of Ryo, I ask him" So, Bokuto-san have you get anyone in your life that you're in a relationship with?"

" Nope, but there was always this one person I liked however, he has someone else in his life and I'm happy just being with my friends."

I smiled at his comment forgetting how much he could make me smile. It's been a while and my cheeks are starting to hurt from all the smile and laughter he is taking from me. We soon say goodbye and I return home.

When I get home, I see Ryo collapsed on the sofa with a bottle of gin in his hand. I could tell the contents had spilled onto the floor. I ignored it and went to sleep in the bed alone, where there was no pain for once just warmth for myself.

A couple of weeks had passed, Bokuto-san was constantly messaging me about meeting up. Ryo hadn't changed and if he had the only thing that has changed, is that he has seemed to be at home more often. I am not going to guess anything however, if I was, I would assume he is in the middle of losing his job. It wouldn't surprise me as I am aware he has been lacking in his work, but I'm not going to blame him for anything. I mean, he is always having to take care of me. I'm a mess to deal with and keeping on to of that and a job is probably causing a lot of stress for him.

When I arrived home that evening, I saw Ryo watching TV on the sofa with all the blinds closed despite it being still light out. I greet him saying" Hi, Ryo."

He doesn't bother to turn to face me which I find odd, usually there would be some anger or resentment, sometimes he would even smile when seeing me walk through the door. It was rare to see him blank me like that, so I knelt in front of him and asked him" What's wrong? Has something happened?"

A normal reaction would may be to burst in tears or walk away however, we are not the normal couple. It didn't take long for Ryo to pull on my arm and drag me outside in front of the house for all the neighbours to see. I saw a couple of people walking by not turning to look. 

It didn't take long for Ryo to begin a rant at me, the street became empty and dark. I couldn't hear what he was saying, because for once in my life, I just wanted someone to look my way. I've never wanted people to pay attention to me, but yet hear I am, knowing everything is wrong. But, I remember I am the cause of this, I am the one who causes everyone's pain. He reminds me of this, and that is why I can only hold on to him. 

The punches began to reach my face, he had crawled on top of me and decided to wash my face with blood and bruises. I wonder if we never met if I would be going through this, would life be more quiet and painless? Or would I go through this with someone else? I don't know.

Soon, my vision began to darken and it had hit me. Was I going to be beaten to death for nothing? I didn't cause this, right?

I try and stand up for myself, just this once. I will be selfish, just so I can keep waking up and meet Bokuto-san at that Café near work. If I can keep moving, I will and I will see him again. 

I keep moving just so I don't have to face another punch, I scream out my lungs begging for someone to hear me. My speech was incoherent, but if one person heard me and saved me from this. Then, maybe the pain will go.

Just as I thought all hope was gone, with my strength going. I looked to my right and saw a couple running towards us. The woman pushed Ryo off me and held him down while the man checked if I was alright. There was a ringing in my ear and my eyes were beginning to close. Maybe I can't go to that Café? What will Bokuto-san say?

Before all my strength goes, I try and open my phone that was miraculously still in my pocket unbroken. I hover my finger over Bokuto's contact before the phone slides out my hand and all the strength I had deceased.

{Bokuto's POV}

I was sitting in the Café as I was finishing my coffee, when I saw Akaashi's number suddenly appear. I answer but hear nothing, at least that was what I heard at first. I then hear some voices shouting for someone to wake up, I then spoke while leaving the Café. I called for Akaashi's name, I hoped that someone would answer me if he could not. A woman answers and says" Is this Bokuto Koutarou?"

" Yes, who is this? What happened? Where is Akaashi?"

" This is Yuna, your friend, I'm assuming, Akaashi, was just assaulted outside his home."

My heart stopped when I made it to the subway, Akaashi was hurt and he was hurt so bad, that he couldn't even voice his pain. My heart slowly regained, when I got the address. 

When I reached Akaashi's home, he was laid across the ground with the paramedics aiding him. I ran over as fast as I could to Akaashi's side. I asked" Is he ok?!"

" Sir, please step back while we do our job?"

Worry was evident on my face, how would anyone react? If you saw someone you care for so much, how can you react to this? The people who helped Akaashi were still on the scene, I turned to them and thanked them for what they did for him. They soon left to return to their daily life while I stayed with Akaashi. I manage to get in the ambulance with Akaashi, I just held his hand the entire ride. I knew the likeness would be that he would be fine, but that didn't mean I was any less worried.

Just having to witness him wearing an oxygen mask with his face littered with bruises and cuts made me concerned. Why Akaashi? What did he do to deserve this? Akaashi has always been there for me, always helping me and spending time with me. Yet the time I stay away from him, it ends like this.

We soon arrive at the Hospital and Akaashi is taken away from me, I just have to wait until I can see him once more. I stay in the waiting room for hours, nearly a whole day and when his operation finally ends. A doctor walks by my side and asks" Before I speak, I need to know if there is any family we can contact for Akaashi-san."

" Unfortunately, not his parents died when he was young and he stayed with grandma till she passed away."

" Right, well given that you are the only one who is close with Akaashi-san, we'll inform you of what happened. Akaashi suffered multiple facial fractures which we have fixed, we can also perform any more surgery to fix his face if that is needed. We have also discovered with several scans, that this isn't the first time Akaashi has been assaulted."

" What do you mean?"

" Akaashi-san seems to have been in a physically abusive relationship for sometime now, there were wounds found on his body that have never properly healed, such as broken ribs and fingers. We're lucky he has made it through the surgery today."

" I never knew, what will happen to his boyfriend? Do you know?"

" Unfortunately, not at the moment, but the Police are handling the case. If you want, you can visit him."

" Yes! I mean, sure."

I walk into his room and see him passed out on the bed with oxygen mask on. The heart monitor beeped as he rested. I sat on the edge of the bed neve letting go of his hand, I put his hand to my face and just prayed. I just want him to be ok and just get better.

{Akaashi's POV}

The sound of the heart monitor, why is this the only thing I can hear? There is some voices as well, but I can't tell who they are. I think Bokuto-san was one of them, I'm not sure. It's hard to hear things you can't see. I wonder how Ryo, I must've really done it this time. I can't believe I begged for help, was I right to do that? I don't know.

The light begins to enter my vision soon and I see Bokuto-san hovering over my bed. His eyes are red and puffy; he's been crying. I can see his hand intertwined with mine and I give him a squeeze to show him I'm still here. His eyes widen when he see me awake. He quickly gives me a hug, I want to put my arms around him as well, but everything just aches. When he pulls away his eyes are already flooding once more, he says in relief" You're awake, Akaashi, thank God..."

Confused, I ask" W-What do you m-mean?"

" Akaashi, you were out for over a week. You face was so damaged that you several fractures on your face however, the doctors performed surgery so you're ok now."

" Are you okay, Bokuto-san? That must've been scary for you to see."

" Akaashi, your face was destroyed, why the hell are you asking if I'm okay? Have you always been in pain? How much more your body is damaged from what he did, because I know this isn't the first time he's done this. The only difference with this one, is he got caught."

I question whether to be honest, but judging by how he has worked out what happened and what Ryo's methods would be, I think being honest would be the only way forward. I look at Bokuto-san saying" In the beginning it was painless, we were smiling and there was hugging and kissing. However, that changed one day and he just hurt me, he reminded me it was a punishment so I just accepted it."

Before Bokuto-san could reply anymore on my statement, the doctor walked in. Bokuto-san left as the doctor began performing tests on me. He cleared me for any infections or further damage as I was healing well. The doctor soon sat down on the side of the bed and said" Akaashi-san, I would like to discuss something with you before I leave requiring your injuries."

" Go ahead."

" Have you ever been physically harmed by your partner?"

I was stunned by the question, I never thought he would come out with it so bluntly. I didn't want to answer him and be honest. However, Bokuto-san knows now and if I say nothing, I wouldn't be surprised if he tells the doctors the truth. I reply to the doctor" If I have to be honest, yes I have, but from what he always told me, it was always my fault. I was the one who triggered him."

" What would he say to you before performing the assaults on you?"

" He would say it was a punishment, he would tell me that I was the cause of it and everything was my fault."

" Akaashi-san, none of this was your fault. No one should ever be harmed, for what he did to you, wasn't your fault."

I nod, the doctor leaves after asking a few more questions and Bokuto-san comes running in once more. I raise my hand with the little strength I have and take his hand in mine. I smile at him saying" It is good to see you again once more, Bokuto-san."

" What do you mean, Akaashi?"

" When my vision was fading, I was wondering if I would ever see you again. I wondered if we could go to that Café one last time, I was so scared of leaving, so scared of dying. So, I am happy to still be awake and knowing I will be ok."

" Akaashi, once you're healed, let's go to the Cafe together with everyone else on the Volleyball team, like Konoha, Washio, Komi and Sarukui."

" Alright, I can't wait."

After a few weeks, I was discharged from the Hospital Bokuto-san did his best to try and stay with me as long as he can, but I felt it was better to be alone for a while. I wanted to just be by myself for a while, I wanted to collect my own thoughts without worrying about if someone was watching me. While I was at the Hospital, it seemed eyes were on me all the time and I just wanted to escape that. So, when it was announced I would get to leave, I couldn't of been happier.

When I made it home, it seemed even walking down the street that people were still looking in my direction. I could see a couple of eyes peering out of a window, watching me as I opened the front door. I hated that feeling, the feeling of being watched and not being able to do anything. 

As I opened the door, it was strange to walk into an empty home. The memories and artefacts of the past were still there. I closed the door behind me and inhaled the scent of old alcohol. 

I began to pick up the bottles, broken or not, and threw them away. I picked up the shards of the broken ones who nothing to protect my hands. I saw that one of the shards had cut my hand, I saw the blood slowly trickle down the skin and drop onto the ground. I ignored the blood and kept cleaning. After all the glass shards and bottles were gone, I saw that my hand had lines of blood. I cleaned the wound and put a plaster on to stop the bleeding. I soon continued to clean the house and it was starting to look how it did in the beginning.

I remember the days when the house was clean, Ryo and I were happy. He would always help around the house, he would be the one who would cook dinner every night and no matter how many times I offered, he would always brush me away. Maybe some of this was my fault? No matter what anyone says, I know it took two of us to make things turn. Or maybe I am looking at this wrong? I don't know anymore.

I sat on sofa, the TV was on just for some background noise and for the first time, I felt isolated. It was as if being alone, became like a prison, but rather one that was in my mind. I am use to being stuck in a room alone. My Mum and Dad were always arguing with one another, and then one day the yelling stopped. My Grandma came over and said I would be staying with her. Nothing was debated when you're young, you just followed the adult and just adjusted to life.

I look to my phone and see that Bokuto-san had messaged me, it was just to ask if I was ok and to which I just ignored. I would rather put a more honest and positive opinion, maybe that's what makes me different, I'm not entirely sure. I soon found my eyes drooping as I got more and more tired, soon falling asleep.

Waking up, all I could hear was the sound of the knocking on the door. As it seemed the knocking would never go away. Bokuto-san was the door with a grin on his face, he said" You weren't answering your phone, Akaashi, so I thought I would come and visit you."

I nod and welcome Bokuto-san in, he said" Wow, this place is nice, Akaashi."

I reply" It hasn't looked like this in a long time."

" What do you mean?"

I realised I said too much without thinking and said" Nothing. Nothing at all."

Waking up in the morning, in the past I was so use to pain and feeling the blood dripping down my skin and clothes, but now that pain is gone. I wake up in the morning, feeling fine, the only difference, is the bed is empty and cold. There is no Ryo anymore, and he will not harm me again.

I get dressed and go down stairs, I have a black coffee which is something I would usually have when I get to work. It felt weird changing my routine around myself instead of someone else. I do question if it is wrong to feel this way, am I being selfish by saying I want do things around myself more? I'm not certain on the answer, but I do feel it is partly selfish however, how I lived before probably doesn't help my mind's choice either.

Luckily today, I don't have work so I decided to meet up with Bokuto-san at the Café. 

I left the house soon after finishing my coffee and took the train there. I never focused on the scenery around myself before, and for the first time in years, I looked at Tokyo and thought;

It's beautiful

Have my eyes really been this closed for so long? Have I been so blind to ignore what was going on around me? I wonder if anyone noticed, then again, I hardly talk to any of my old friends. I have co-workers who I will occasionally go out for drinks with although, those times are rare and I use to have to be home early to take care of Ryo.

My stop arrives and I walk to the Café. I guess before, I didn't bother to look at what the Café was before because now I understand why Bokuto-san would want to go hear. It's an owl Café, I chuckle to myself unsurprised that Bokuto-san would love a place like this. I walk into the Café and am immediately surprised to see the sight in front of me.

Konoha, Sarukui, Komi, Washio, Anahori, Onaga and Bokuto are all sitting at a table looking in my direction and waving towards me. I take a seat in between Konoha and Bokuto, I say a quiet hello. It was shocking to see all of them here, together, after so many years. I can't remember the last time we met like this, I can only guess it was during my third year when our team lost and Bokuto-san and the other third years took us out to dinner. Afterwards, I met Ryo during University and closed myself off from everyone around me. That being including everyone who is sitting at this table.

Konoha says" What have you been up to, Akaashi? We haven't heard from you in ages."

" Well, I've been busy with my job as a Manga Editor and just broke off a relationship with someone, what about you?"

His eyes widened and said" Pause it there, what do you mean you broke up with someone? You're not allowed to brush that off."

I put my head low and said" It's not something that is easy to talk about, nor would I want to talk about it in such a public space."

I heard my phone ping suddenly and saw that I had been added to a group chat, Konoha said" We'll you can talk to us later about it then."

I laughed at how dumb it was that he just suddenly added me to this, then I asked" Wait, how did you get my number?"

" Look to your right, and you'll find out."

I saw Bokuto-san looking at his milkshake avoiding eye contact with me, like a toddler would if they had done something wrong, but didn't want to admit it. I said to him" I'm not angry Bokuto-san, it's fine."

Komi said" Still be as polite as ever, Akaashi."

We talked more and I soon left the Café waving goodbye to everyone with Bokuto-san. He had offered to take me to the train station as he was going in that direction as well. We made some small talk with a joke here and there, then he said" I'll be going to Osaka soon."

" I was expecting you to say something about that, I'm surprised you've stayed in Tokyo this long."

" I've been trying to hold back."

" Why?"

" Because I didn't want to leave you alone."

The day I went back to work was probably one of the hardest, it wasn't that I was worried about not performing well, because to me this would be a normal day. However, it wasn't as when I walked into the building that day it seemed that everyone knew what had happened and had to take care of me gently, as if I was some precious gem stone that couldn't be touched.

I couldn't deal with the fact that no one could approach me properly or tell me when I had done something incorrect. It was like I was isolated in my own world, and I hated it. 

For example, I went to go get a cup of water and someone who was already there just gave me a cup. I was aware of who this person was and I have gone to get a cup of water countless times with them standing there, but it's strange after my abuse that I have kept hidden for so long, is finally out there and now people care about me. It's like they're all putting up this façade just for me, one that I don't need and never will need. We all have our bad days, I just get on with my life and do that daily routine.

When I had my break, I decided to call Bokuto-san, who had now officially moved to Osaka and called him. He picked up on just the first second of calling, he answered" Hey, hey, hey, Akaashi!!"

" I thought you have volleyball training."

" We're on a break right now, how come you're calling me? Has something happened? I'll go take the train now--"

" Stop, I'm fine."

" Sure about that?"

" ...No."

" Exactly, so what's wrong?"

" People at work have been treating me differently, and it's slowly beginning to get on my nerves."

" How do you mean?"

" They do things they would have never done before, I just want to be treated like I did before and get on with my daily life."

" Why not tell them then?"

" I guess that thought never went to my head."

He laughed and we talked more, he talked about his volleyball training and soon we hung up.

Work ended and I couldn't tell anyone to stop, because every time I tried to approach someone about the situation, they would just try to hush me about it. At this point I was debating on working from home or just quitting entirely. But, of course I couldn't do that.

When I got home, for some reason my hand began shaking as I got the keys out of my pocket. A memory flashed in my mind of the times when I would be so scared to come home, because of Ryo's anger. I closed my eyes and took a breath. In the end, I just crouched in front of my door just trying to steady my breathing. I hated for people to see me in such a state, but in that moment all I wanted was Bokuto-san.

I wanted his arms around me, his warmth, and to tell me that everything would be thing. But, how can I ask someone that when they are so many hours away?

I soon got a grip on my breathing and opened the door, to see everything as it should be. I began searching the house to find any sign of Ryo, and I was aware he was gone, but why was my mind acting like this? He's behind bars, away from me, yet I'm acting scared.

It didn't take me long to collapse at the foot of the stairs weeping, this spot has so many bad memories. The amount of times I had to clean the blood stains and watch as the blood was soaked up. I remember how my head would bleed constantly, I'm surprised there was never any further damage, but I guess I call myself lucky in that one.

A knock awakens me and I see Konoha and Washio at the door. They say" Ko sent us, he said he was worried."

The tears stream down my face as I couldn't grip onto my emotions any longer, why was I this way? Why am I the one who always has to be hurt? Can't I just live a life where I am not hurt?

Washio and Konoha embraced me as we all fell to the floor with me sobbing. I cried out for Bokuto-san crying out for him to be here, although knowing he wasn't and won't be for a while.

When I woke up, I saw Washio and Konoha passed out on the sofa while I was on the chair in the living room with a blanket wrapped around myself. I looked at the time and saw it was eight in the morning, and it was a Saturday, no work. I looked at the trains to see what time the next one to Osaka would be, an hour, I could make it. I got changed into new clothes and took my wallet, keys and phone. I sneakily left the house and made a run for it. 

I needed Bokuto-san in my life, I needed him by my side and I was an idiot to not realise it before. I was sad before, not because of work or past relations. It was because he was there for me when I needed him and now I need him more than ever. I can't deny the attraction I have for him, I can't deny the sadness I feel when he is away.

I make it to the station and barely make it to the train, I know it would take nearly three hours to get there, but that was enough time for me. I could contemplate on everything. When did I first fall in love with him? When did my heart start beating just for him? I can't answer these questions, because I don't know the beginning of our story. I don't understand the story we created, it's a confusing one. No one could ever understand our tale, not even ourselves and I guess, that is what makes us different.

I've read stories before, stories where there is a clear love story between to characters, but ours, I find is not clear. It's so strange and distant, so many things changed us.

I met him at the Volleyball Club in High School and something sparked between us, it was a beautiful friendship and that went on for years, until he left. I waved goodbye the day he went to University, I hoped he would do well and achieve what he needed. It was that day that I knew. That I knew I loved him, but could never have him. He had these dreams that did not match with my own, he wanted to be a Volleyball player and I wanted to be a writer, and I'm not even achieving that. I knew I was never good enough to stand under the same spotlight he did, he was amazing and still is, he is my ace. My only ace, the only one I would ever need and I love him for that.

No one would match us together, but I find, opposites truly do attract otherwise, we wouldn't be here now. 

I make it to Osaka and run to his apartment, he told me the address the day he moved, I just have to pray he is there to welcome me.

After getting out of breath from running to his from the station, I knock on the door and he answers. He looks tired and exhausted, but his eyes, no his expression lightens up when he sees me. He just hugs me and whispers" I was so worried, Akaashi..."

I asked" Why?"

He pulls away and says" Konoha and Washio told me, you just left without telling them where you were, there was nothing. I was so worried something had happened to you."

" I'm sorry, Bokuto-san, I should have said something."

" I don't care, because you are here now."

He lead me into his house and showed me every single room, he then suggested" Akaashi, toss to me."

I smiled and said" Sure, Bokuto-san."

We walked to a nearby court, the net was slightly damaged but that didn't stop us. He threw the pull to where I stood and began to run, it felt weird seeing the ball fly through the air again, it was slightly nostalgic. I could see the lights from nationals, I was in my uniform with the number five once more and the pull gently grazed my fingers, the ball left and flew towards him. He was in his uniform, the ace's number four in bold lettering. He slammed it down, but instead of hearing the loud slam from the smooth flooring, it was more muffled. I woke up from the dream to see him smiling at me and reminding myself the years have passed, he said" Your tosses are still the best, Akaashi."

Just him saying those words made my eyes water to the point that tears streamed down my face, he ran over and wiped them with his thumbs. He said in panic" Are you ok, Akaashi?!"

" I'm fine, Bokuto-san, I was just remembering something."

" What?"

" The day we were in the final for Nationals, and despite our loss, I will always remember it clearly."

" Don't worry about Nationals anymore, Akaashi! I'll continue to win more and more matches, and you better watch them all."

" Of course, Koutarou." 

He stared at me with his golden eyes and asked" What did you just call me?"

I didn't even think about what I had just said, throughout my entire time of knowing him I had always called him by his last name. I never wanted to be rude, so being polite and simple was an easy route, and now I'm breaking away from that. I looked at him and said" I'm sorry, Boku--"

He blushed and put a finger on my lips saying" I liked it, Keiji, can I call you that?!"

He seemed very excited despite the fact that he was very much flustered, I replied" Of course, Koutarou."

He wore his signature big grin when he knew he could say my first name, it seemed despite us being away from each other for so long, we were already beginning to get closer. I wanted to tell him how I really felt for him, the feelings that were in my heart, but I was in fear of admitting how I feel for him.

He said" It's getting late, we should get home."

I nodded and we walked back to his apartment, I asked" Do you live with anyone else?"

He shook his head and said" No, pretty much everyone is in so some sort of relationship, so they're all with their partners."

He began to wear a frown on his face, it was one of the first times that I could see how lonely he was. Everyone around him was finding the other half while he was here, alone and struggling to maintain a bond with someone. I then asked" Is there anyone you like then?"

That caused him to go red, he put a hand behind his neck and said" Well, there is someone, but he's been through a lot lately, so I don't think it would be right to confess. I'm waiting for the right time."

I nodded and felt a bit sad that he already liked someone, it was better to keep these feelings at the bottom of my heart where they can't be seen. I want him to find love on his own, and I bet having to deal with my issues has been a pain for him. 

I decide to stay the night due to it being so late and it taking hours just to get back to Tokyo, and I was exhausted to say the least. I took the sofa while Koutarou slept upstairs in his bed. He did keep saying he would take the sofa, but I ended up taking the blanket and pillow in his hands and laying down on the sofa then telling him to go to bed. He gave up with me, so that is what he did.

It felt so lonely and quite being downstairs alone, it's been lonely for a while. I do miss having arms wrapped around my middle, I miss the warmth I once had and now that it's gone, I miss it more than anything. You never realise how lucky you are till it's gone then again, in some way, I wasn't lucky. I had to be one of those people that have to deal with the pain of a relationship, literally, I had to go through the bruises and bleeding. I was just lucky that day, that one day, when I was saved, but I think about the possibility of death, I could have died that day. I was lucky.

I try to close my eyes and sleep, but every time I go to sleep I just see Ryo's face and I can feel the pain in my chest, not from heart break, but from the punches he use to give to me. I can remember it all too clearly.

I sit up and look around the room to see small pictures of Koutarou in his High School days and when he was little. He was adorable even as a child, I'm surprised he even has such pictures. What surprised me the most was there was one with the two of us at his graduation, you can see my red and puffy eyes due to him leaving that day. I was sad when he went, it became quite in the Gym and everyone began to notice my distance. I hated being captain, it was the pain of my life, because I felt like I was replacing him. He will always be the captain in my heart.

I soon hear light thumps from the stairs and see Koutarou, he had a blanket wrapped around him like a cape and asked me" Keiji? What are you doing?"

I look at him with exhaustion saying" I couldn't sleep, what are you doing then?"

" I was thirsty, so I went to go get a drink. You want one?"

" I'm fine."

He ended up just sitting next to me with the blanket still wrapped around him, the silence was beginning to get uncomfortable, but it was also comfortable at the same times, because he was there. I was about to say something to end it, until he suddenly said" I love you, Keiji."

I looked at him with wide eyes as he spoke, I never expected such words to come out of his mouth. Has he always been feeling this about me? How long has he felt like this? 

There were thousands of questions entering my mind, but I didn't want them answered, because they wouldn't be. He said" I know you don't feel the same way, I know you may be wondering how long, and I have no answer. It may of been the first day we met, the first time we went to nationals together, the first lunch we had together, the first training camp we shared. There are so many moments we've shared, so all I can say is, I guess I have always known how I've felt towards you."

When you met me Koutarou, from the outside he looks like a man-child, maybe someone who has too much energy that can never be wasted, someone who could never be responsible, but you would be wrong to some extent. Yes he is very childish, he does have a never-ending stamina, but those little things are what make him Koutarou. But, I see him differently, I always have. He is romantic, perfect, loving, caring, kind and warm, he is emotionally connected to everything and everyone. And I love him, I love him so much that words could never describe my feelings for him.

I reply to him saying" I love you, Ko, I have always loved you. I guess we thought it was always one-sided, but the mind likes playing tricks, doesn't it? I will always hold the emotional scars from the past, there will be probably still be physical ones, but I hope as we grow that you can learn to love me for those scars."

" Keiji, since we've known each other I have loved you for who you are. I have always wanted to be by your side, but I was scared that you would leave. No one really knows much from my middle school days, but I was always abandoned, no one wanted to be near me. When I entered high school, it was something new and I enjoyed that new. Then, you entered my life and I couldn't have been happier to be with you. I hated the day I had to go, because I was so scared I would never get to see you again, but yet, here you are in my apartment."

He smiles and I initiate the hug, he was always the one to do these kind of things. I wanted to be the one that was here for him for once, he has always been there for me, it's time for me to do the same for him. 

Soon, I passed out from the exhaustion of just staying awake. 

When I woke up, I looked up to see a sleeping Ko. He had his mouth open snoring loudly, and that is when I am reminded of the training camp days. No one would sleep near him apart from me, I would always be by his side and deal with this alarm clock. I trying to escape from his arms, until he locks onto my body even tighter. He whispers" Stay."

" I'll never leave, Ko."

Since that day, I have lived in Osaka with Ko. I resigned from my job in Tokyo, in the beginning everyone thought it was, because I was reminded of Ryo, but they soon realised I had a new found love in my life. I had something else to live for, something that made me happy and I would continue living that life. I may not be where my old home was now, but I would be somewhere I could keep smiling for.

I will always feel guilty for the way I hurt, Ryo, I will always blame myself for what happened. Maybe I am right to feel this way or maybe, I am not, I'll never know. I have tried to contact him, but my thumb always hovers above that number and when I do, I turn my phone off and continue my day. I will always be sorry, but I don't think I could ever see his face or hear his voice, and say that to him. 

I'll just have to keep living my life, and hopefully Ko will help me with that from now on.


End file.
